Public Bathroom Etiquette

Ladies are pretty well set in this department. Not sure I’ve ever heard my wife complain about not having doors on the stall when she has to go. Of course every man envisions woman’s bathrooms with a white couch, a gold chandelier, and a guy named Jeeves wearing a tuxedo to apply the hand warmer and pass out a mint as they exit. Not to mention the heated seats. I’ve always envisioned a scenario like Narnia. You open the door, and bam, Narnia!!Like I said, girls are all set here.

Guys on the other hand have to make quick decisions. We don’t have the luxury of Jeeves opening the stall door for us while he greets us with a half hearted smile and extends his arm. We have choices. Generally we have 3 choices. Let’s explore these 3 choices. Ladies; you’re welcome. You’re about to take a journey into a men’s public restroom!!

Let’s assume you are lucky enough to be the only one in there. It does happen, not often, but when it does, it’s amazing. Ok, so you go in and you can do pretty much whatever you want. Personally, I’ll take the last urinal. This way I’m generally closer to the sink. Most guys will probably tell you to take near left urinal first. This is also acceptable. By taking the far right, it allows the next guy that comes in and do the right thing by taking the far left urinal. You try to set yourself for future success. Thus, far right urinal.

You walk in and the gentleman before you decided it was Thunder Dome time and threw out all etiquette. He jumped right in the middle. Your only option here is the near left urinal. Closest to the door. You are not allowed to walk behind him to go far right. Middle urinal guy is usually self centered and maybe braggadocios. If you walk behind middle urinal guy, he may get some ideas. Best not to walk behind him and stay to the left

2 out of the 3 urinals are in use. The left and right are being used leaving the middle open. Do you just jump right in there? What happens if left and right leave and leave you as the lone middle guy? Now you’ve become option 2 guy. No one wants to be that guy. Personally, I’m willing to take that chance. If you gotta go, you gotta go.

Now you’re probably saying “What about the stall”? It’s always an option if you’re standing, never if you need to sit. Not clean, not sanitary, and not real friendly. Speaking of not real friendly, I won’t miss the Metrodome troff. Belly up to the troff boys, time to pee. Surprisingly enough, this is hard for 8 year old boys to do.

So once you’ve properly selected your urinal, you have roughly 60 seconds to burn. Best bet is to stay focused with eyes straight ahead or straight down. Never, NEVER look to your left, or right. Even if you’re lucky enough to have a partition, straight ahead, or straight down. Don’t be the “talker” either. You know the talker. Comes in, bellies up next to you and says “What’s up man?” What’s up man?!?! Really?!?! You can’t think of anything better to say?!?! Stay focus, do your business, and get out.

Sounds are another issue. I think sounds are better left for another read. We will call that “#2”

And that brings me to my conclusion. Take a quick second before you saddle up to your urinal. Think about the guy that walks in after you. If you walk in, and your just too confused, there’s always a tree outside.

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