If you share the good, you have to share the bad

The idea behind quitting something is pretty simple; just stop doing it. If you want to quit something bad enough, just quit doing it. You can quit just about anything. From addictions to jobs people quit things everyday. Personally, my two biggest achievements in the realm of quitting has been alcohol, and more recently cigarettes. You feel a sense of pride when you’ve overcome that addiction. People look at you different. What happens when you fail though?

One of my biggest accomplishments in my life is I’ve been sober for over 4 years. I knew that alcohol was destroying my life so I made the decision to quit drinking and try to put the pieces back together. I was able to do that with being mentally strong. I’ve always had a great support system and that always helps. I’ve also put myself out there by not being shy about it. I talk about it regularly and it’s a big part of who I am. I’m not proud of being an alcoholic but I’m incredibly proud to say that I’m a recovering alcoholic.

More recently I quit smoking. I told myself if I go a year without drinking, I’ll quit smoking on that 1 year anniversary. That one year anniversary came and went and I was still smoking. It took almost 3 years later until I finally quit. August 12th 2013 I smoked my last smoke. So once again, I threw myself out there. I posted on the Facebook; “Today is day one without smoking” For the tens of people that read my blog, they may remember a post about how I quit and how smoking is so stupid. So I ask again, what happens when you fail?

I’ve made myself somewhat vulnerable by blogging and posting about my “accomplishments”. Plenty of people have come to me and have congratulated me on my success of quitting smoking. You walk around with a little more sense of pride knowing people are proud of you. In my humble opinion, if you are going to boast about your successes, you have to be honest about your failures. I’m smoking again.

I made it 8 months without smoking. My body felt great. I was able to start running and make it two to three miles before I got tired. My lungs opened up and I felt great. Food tasted different. Things smelled better. Smokers stunk. I walked around on my high horse and told my bride it was her turn to quit. “If I can do it, so can you”. I listened to others tell their stories of quitting and shared mine. I was elated to be part of this special fraternity of non smokers. Today I wake up with a cough. My throat and lungs full of poison and garbage. Smelly cigarettes are once again a part of my everyday life.

I’ve been humbled multiple times since I started “Sam Says”. Those times of humbleness have came from compliments and well wishes. More recently I’ve been humbled with shame and embarrassment. “Why are you smoking again?” “You were doing so good!!” “What happened?!??” I can ramble off a litany of excuses of why I started again and none of them are good enough.
I’ll spare us all by not listing any of them. I understand completely the ramifications of having a poor excuse. I’m also smart enough to realize that there is no excuse for doing what I’ve done. I’ve managed my addiction to alcohol fairly well for over 4 years. Why can’t I manage my addiction to cigarettes? Simple; I never really wanted to quit.

In order to truly quit a bad habit, you have to truly want to kick it. It has to be part of who you are. You have to make a conscience decision not to do that habit. When I quit smoking, I did it cold turkey. One day I challenged myself to see how long I could go. I never really committed though. When I quit drinking I told myself, “never again”. When I quit smoking I asked “how long can I go”. From a mental standpoint, those are very opposite mentalities. I just always figured I’d smoke again. I’ve rationalized my smoking habit with “Everyone needs a vice”. I know how stupid that sounds. There are plenty of healthy vices a guy could do other than sucking down a smoke.

I’m embarrassed I’ve started again. With each drag that fills my lungs, a shot of disappointment fills them as well. I tried to hide it for a while but that got exhausting awfully quit. I keep telling myself I’ll quit again this summer but who’s to say I’m mentally strong enough to do that again? I guess the whole point to this post is to help me realize that my everyday struggles make me who I am. If I’m going to continue to share about accomplishments, I have to share my failures as well. Right now, I’m failing.

At the beginning of this I asked “What happens when you fail?” The sensible answer is you stop your pity party and you quit again. Seems logical enough for me. I fear that’s not the answer for me right now. I think the answer for me right now is hopefully the embarrassment and shame will end soon. Hopefully the remorse I have will taper off and I can go back to the “norm”. Seems so silly and irresponsible but it’s the raw truth of the matter.

I feel like I’m mentally strong enough to quit smoking again, I just don’t want to right now. Does this make me a bad person? I don’t think so, I hope it doesn’t. I feel like I’ll quit again relatively soon. Next time, and there will be a next time, I’ll make a better commitment to myself to quit for longer. For now, I’ll accept whatever backlash comes my way with a positive attitude and hopefully with grace. I understand the premise is simple; just quit. What do you do if you don’t want to quit?

In order to completely quit something, you have to truly want to quit doing it. Right now, I don’t want to quit smoking. I have much respect for those of you out there that have quit for years. I hope to be part of your club in the future. For now, I can’t for a plethora of reasons. I hope to kick this addiction sometime soon but for now, I choose not to. Feel free to judge if you’d like. I can take the backlash if indeed there is any. At some point I hope to write about the success I’ve had quitting. For right here, right now, I’ll share my failure.

So what do you do when you fail? You put it out there for anyone to know and hope it sparks something inside you to quit failing. I hope to quit failing soon. No one is proud of failure and I’m not certainly proud of myself right now.

The Day After

Another Mom’s day has come and gone. I’m happy to say that my bride of 13+ years has celebrated 13 of these special days. Some of these days have been met with tough times. Others have been met with smiles. The one constant has been our children. Moms day is a day to give mom a rest and celebrate the permanent “S” that she so proudly wears under her shirt. I personally, am incredibly jealous of Mother’s Day. Let me tell you why Dad’s get the short end of the stick.

Sometime in June, I’m not sure anyone really knows, is a day on the calendar known as Father’s Day. Father’s Day is a fictional day that does not carry the same weight as it’s counter day, Mother’s Day. Moms day is in May while all the beautiful children of the world are still hard at work in school. Dad’s day is supposedly in June while said kids are at home for the summer. I here by petition to move dad’s day to September.

Let’s compare the two days. Moms wake up to her tiny ones who have surprised her with some French toast. Granted, that French toast was made with a stick of butter, an uncooked egg, and 2 slices of bread slapped together in a bowl, but hey, it’s the thought that counts. Dads wake up on their “special” day generally with a knee to the crotch from a rowdy little boy. Point goes to mom. 1-0 mom.

After that amazing breakfast in bed, it’s time to move to the living room for gifts. This is when the little tikes present their hand made arts and craft they did with the professional Michelangelos that our school systems employ as art teachers. Here moms receive Time Magazines dedicated specifically to them. They get such things as gigantic, beautiful butterflies that represent how special mom is. They are generally accompanied with some precious thing that her kids say like ” My mom is special because she cleans a room in 2 minutes” or “My mom is athletic because she watches my dad play softball”. Dads get a new tool for the grill. “Go cook dad”. My favorite stero typical dad’s day gift is a tie. Thanks. Guess I’ll wear this tie to work tomorrow where I’ll be reminded that I’m working which most people don’t like. Point goes to mom. I actually give this multiple points because there’s nothing better than homemade gifts from little kids. Mom 4-0

So after dad has spent countless hours slaving over a hot grill in the middle of June when it’s 108 degrees outside, he’s “rewarded” with “I’ll take that plate and do the dishes”. Great!! Thanks a bunch! But I generally don’t do the dishes anyway. Mom will get treated to a nice restaurant meal where not only does she not have to clean up, she doesn’t have to pay! She’s generally greeted by the server with a “Happy Mother’s Day!!” While dad is greeted by a hot, smoking grill. Advantage mom. I give this section 30 points because that’s how much the meal will cost. 34-0 mom.

Lets discuss moms day and sports. Major League Baseball celebrates moms day with pink bats. They show all of the world how important they are by donning pink all over the diamond. Grown men are wearing pink batting gloves with pink arm bands. Dallas Braden, a former pitcher for the Oakland Athletics celebrated moms day by throwing a perfect game! Sports celebrate dad’s day by…. well, I’m not real sure they do. I give this section 23 points due to that’s how many perfect games have ever been thrown. 57-0 mom.

It may sound like I’m complaining, and truth be told I am. No disrespect to my own mother (I love you mom 🙂 but my bride is the best mother on the planet. What she sacrifices for her family on a daily basis amazes me. I’m complaining because I’m ashamed my family doesn’t treat everyday like moms day. Dad’s day is treated very special at my house because my bride goes out of her way to make it that way. It’s almost like everyday is dad’s day when in reality, it should be more the other way. I score this section 308. This gives the final score 365-0 mom.

With the final score being 365 to 0, it’s a reminder that all moms out there deserve to be treated like it’s Mother’s Day. I need to wake my bride up with a properly cooked breakfast in bed in March as if it were Mother’s Day. I need to call my own mother in August and tell her I love her as if it were Mother’s Day. Kids need to make cards for their moms in September as if it were Mother’s Day. Without mom, none of us would be here. I wish I could say I treated my bride, my mother, and my mother in law this way. Maybe I’ll start doing so.

I do appreciate the grilling tool, the tie, and yes, even the knee to the crotch. Dad’s day is very awesome and I am very honored to be part of the special fraternity that is being a dad. The main reason I’m able to be a dad though is because the mother of my children has taught me how to parent. Without her, there is no dad’s day. She makes it special so my kids follow her lead and follow suit.

While most of this post is sarcastic and has a lot of light “humor” in it, the last two paragraphs are very real and sincere. I shouldn’t need a Sunday in May to call my mother and tell her I love her. I shouldn’t need a day on the calendar to give me a heads up to mop the floor for my bride. A guy could very easily plug in a vacuum and push it back and fourth a few times. I shouldn’t have to be reminded to extend my gratitude to those that have, and continue make my life easier.

So I petitioned to have Father’s Day moved to September, it should really be just another day we celebrate mom. I haven’t always been the best son to my mother but I hope to get better. To all current mothers out there your very appreciated on every day, not just a Sunday in May. To all future mothers out there, I hope every day is special for you, not just that Sunday in May. To a high school friend of mine who is less than a month away from being a mom for the 1st time after surviving breast cancer, you’ve been a mom your entire life. Moms give inspiration and care. You’ve cared for, and inspired thousands of people. You’ll be an amazing mother and I’m incredibly happy for you and your husband. I’m honored to call you a friend.

Mother’s Day will come and go. The love your mom, wife, and yes, even your mother in law, have for you will never leave. I’ll celebrate the day after Mother’s Day with a phone call to both my mom and my mother in law. I’ll tell them both I love them. I’ll thank both of them. I’ll celebrate that Monday by simply doing something for my bride without her having to ask me. After all, she does those things for me everyday.